For
the Nth time, I am admitting that what I did was wrong and there's no way I can
correct it nor justify it. I messed up pretty good and it’s been biting me up
in the ass for the last three months I guess. But hell yes, I also know that
three months of being fucked-up-mr.-bawi-guy is still nothing for what I did. For
many times now I can’t seem to stop asking myself hanggang kelan?hanggan san?ano pa ba? But it still goes back to that “who am I to
complain?”
You
just have this urge to complain or argue about something or just even ask so
nicely why this and that…. Yet you won’t complain argue and ask nicely just
because you know well that it will still be all your fault no matter how long
the conversation and with all your rational reasons that maybe….just maybe
there’s something wrong also with the other person or the reaction is just
maybe taking a little long than how it should be leading her to do some stupid
things too. DAMN!!
Just now,
something just punch all the good mood in me. Its’ something like Pandora ’s
Box or the forbidden fruit. Face it and you know you’ll face a shitty
consequence. I know that I should not open or even take a look at it. Hindi nagkulang
sa pagsabi sak akin…. ”wala ka ba tiwala? Eh di tignan mo, wala ka naman
makikita jan….wag mo igaya yan katulad nung sayo”….. Oo nga naman, tama..so
papalag pa ba ako?? Mali pala, wala na ako karapatan pumalag pag ganyan na yung
sinabi. But stupid me, out of nowhere took a bite at it!... Somehow I just felt my chair was going up and
down but my eyes were still fuckin glued to the monitor, catching everything
even though I’m scrolling pretty fast up and down cause I don’t know would I start….afraid
at the same time that I might see something na pagsisihan kong nakita ko. I felt
a little dizzy and a strong straight cheap shot right in the guts. May mali ba
talaga? Ewan ko, that would be subjective, hindi ko din alam dahil hindi ko
hinimay lahat sa takot ko. Praning lang ba ako?defensive? dahil pa din sa
ginawa kong mali? Pwede….. hindi ko alam, Malabo talaga para saken, pwede ko
palinawain pero natakot ako. Hindi pwede magtanong. Pero ang punto HINDI KO
GUSTO ANG NAKITA KO.
May magagawa
ba ako?........WALA! asa pa.
I fuckin
hate it! Everything about it! But I can’t do a damn thing cause really, though I
admit it…. I am sick and tired of blaming myself to it. …over and over and
over! Ako pa din naman talaga may kasalan, hindi ako pwede dumaing magreklamo
dahil lahat lang naman to nangyayari dahil sa ginawa ko. Wala na ako sa kahit
anong lugar pa para magreklamo…bakit? Dahil ako naman may kasalanan, ako dahilan
at higit sa lahat, ako lang naman ganon saten ako lang may kaya gumawa nun kaya
huwag na huwag kita igagaya saken. Hindi Masaya.
update: this is irrelevant now
