2/6/13

For the Nth time, I am admitting that what I did was wrong and there's no way I can correct it nor justify it. I messed up pretty good and it’s been biting me up in the ass for the last three months I guess. But hell yes, I also know that three months of being fucked-up-mr.-bawi-guy is still nothing for what I did. For many times now I can’t seem to stop asking myself hanggang kelan?hanggan san?ano pa ba?  But it still goes back to that “who am I to complain?”

You just have this urge to complain or argue about something or just even ask so nicely why this and that…. Yet you won’t complain argue and ask nicely just because you know well that it will still be all your fault no matter how long the conversation and with all your rational reasons that maybe….just maybe there’s something wrong also with the other person or the reaction is just maybe taking a little long than how it should be leading her to do some stupid things too. DAMN!!

Just now, something just punch all the good mood in me. Its’ something like Pandora ’s Box or the forbidden fruit. Face it and you know you’ll face a shitty consequence. I know that I should not open or even take a look at it. Hindi nagkulang sa pagsabi sak akin…. ”wala ka ba tiwala? Eh di tignan mo, wala ka naman makikita jan….wag mo igaya yan katulad nung sayo”….. Oo nga naman, tama..so papalag pa ba ako?? Mali pala, wala na ako karapatan pumalag pag ganyan na yung sinabi. But stupid me, out of nowhere took a bite at it!...  Somehow I just felt my chair was going up and down but my eyes were still fuckin glued to the monitor, catching everything even though I’m scrolling pretty fast up and down cause I don’t know would I start….afraid at the same time that I might see something na pagsisihan kong nakita ko. I felt a little dizzy and a strong straight cheap shot right in the guts. May mali ba talaga? Ewan ko, that would be subjective, hindi ko din alam dahil hindi ko hinimay lahat sa takot ko. Praning lang ba ako?defensive? dahil pa din sa ginawa kong mali? Pwede….. hindi ko alam, Malabo talaga para saken, pwede ko palinawain pero natakot ako. Hindi pwede magtanong. Pero ang punto HINDI KO GUSTO ANG NAKITA KO.

May magagawa ba ako?........WALA! asa pa.

I fuckin hate it! Everything about it! But I can’t do a damn thing cause really, though I admit it…. I am sick and tired of blaming myself to it. …over and over and over! Ako pa din naman talaga may kasalan, hindi ako pwede dumaing magreklamo dahil lahat lang naman to nangyayari dahil sa ginawa ko. Wala na ako sa kahit anong lugar pa para magreklamo…bakit? Dahil ako naman may kasalanan, ako dahilan at higit sa lahat, ako lang naman ganon saten ako lang may kaya gumawa nun kaya huwag na huwag kita igagaya saken. Hindi Masaya.

update: this is irrelevant now