Not the usual Time travel

If you can go back in time... 10 or even 15 years back and redo everything, would you?...... i guess some would consider this

What if you can go back and you can choose to be somewhat 'gifted'... you can go back as the most intelligent person, genius... or to be the greatest athlete, in any sport/s you like.... or be the most talented person, in singing or dancing or why not both?.... or simply the most beautiful person.... Just basically anything how you want to be when you go back. And in the process, you will be very rich and famous and all. Would you??...... HELLS YEA!! why not?

But if you go back as a hit making artist or an NBA Rookie-MVP or the Stephen Hawking..... there's a condition. First is that you will not go to the same school and will not meet the same friends, loved or love the same people. would you?..... You'll have the same relatives of course, but still it wont be the same. You cannot experience again everything just as how you enjoyed things with your friends now. Sure with your wealth and fame you can try to meet them up again. But it's sure that it'll be different at one point or another. In time maybe ya'll be as close again but for them its a wild dream come true of being close to a 'Superstar'. Lose all the memories with friends, boyfriend/girlfriend but you can be friends with your celebrities, hangout with the elites on the same leagues and level of your fame in whatever industry. Be one in the #Squadgoals or even in the #relationshipgoals normal people would admire and have the #Blessed social status.......

So..... what would it be? :)

Cubao

Nagising ako sa bahay walang ideya na hindi magiging masaya ang araw. Pinilit ko pa ramdamin na nasa bahay ako at makakapag pahinga kahit sa isang araw. Hindi pa inabot ng tanghalian bumigat na ang lahat. Nagkasabay sabay na naman sa panahon pa na ang gusto ko lang naman magpahinga. Masyado mabigat, mahirap. Naisip ko lumapit sa kanya, makapag labas ng sama ng loob at makahinga man lang. Inantay ko pag gising niya at ng matawagan ko siya. Nung magkausap na kami di ako nagkaron ng pagkakataon huminga at pagaanin kahit pano, siya din pala may daing sa akin. Wala na, alam ko ng hindi maganda ang araw at magsisimangot na lang ako.

Ginusto ko magpahinga, lumayo muna kahit kanino. Manahimik ng sandali.
May isang oras pa bago mag tanghalian, nagisip saan ko makukuha ang pahinga kahit hiram lang. Naisip ko pumunta sa malapit lang na makakatahimik ako. Naisip ko mag Tagaytay mag isa. Sakto ang presko at di matatangging magandang tanawin, siguro marerelax kahit sino. Pero masyado na tanghali at di din pwede magtagal dahil maaga pa para da kinabukasan. Sigurado naman walang katahimikan sa mall kahit sa gilid ng MOA. Hindi ko kaya ang pressure sa Luneta at hindi din ang layo ng antipolo.

Naisip ko sa cubao, bahala na.  Baka bigla maisipan manuod ng basketbol na lang, di man makapag pahinga, maibaling na lang amg bigat ng mga bagay bagay.  Nakarating ako sa gateway, kumain at umupo na. Bumalik sa mga nakaraan, pinilit humanap ng mga kasagutan. Pagiintindi at pagkukumpara. Pagsasariwa ng saya at sakit. Pinilit planuhin ang mga susunod na mangyayari at intindihan kung ano pa man ang mangyayari samga susunod pa.

Hindi na ako nakapag isip pa. Pero naramdaman ko nakakatakas na ako, sumasaya kahi sandali nakakahiram ng pahinga bago maging nakakapagod na naman ang lahat.
Sulit.
Dumating sa punto sana hindi na muna ko nabalik sa araw na araw na ginagawa ko sa buhay ko,  patunay nga lang na nakalayo ako. Hindi ko na namalayan madami na akong oras na pinalipas.
Naitindihan ko kahit pano hindi lang sa akin mahirap at di makatanggap ng lahat.

Naramadaman ko kailangan ko na bumalik di ko man gusto pa. Nakapag pahinga, naging masaya. Takot ng bumalik sa kinabukasan kung pwede lang. Nabalik kahit pano ang dati.

Handa na ako para bukas, game na ule.
Pero yung paghahanap ko at pagpapa hinga, may isa akong nabalewala.
Naging maayos ako kahit para sa kinabukasan, yung ngayon ko naman naiwan sa hindi pagiging ok.

miserable.

LIFE IS MISERABLE - that no matter what you do, it is and it will be miserable at one point. Most believe at karma, that if you'll be good enough your life wont be a mess. Faith will keep you away from any bad things. Not that I don't believe in that, but how faithful do you  need to be? There will always be someone or something that will pull you down, break your momentum, crash every hope you have and will you make feel so bad that sometimes make you eve doubt your self. "HINDI LAGING PASKO"

I AM MISERABLE - for me, that "point" is now. No matter how I try to look things in a positive perspective, there's  always something that reminds me that life is indeed miserable. I tried so hard to change it all and look at it in a different angle, but every single time I felt I'm almost out of it....something would happen that would remind me so hard that "nope,not today...just stop trying.........maybe". A moment that would you really push you to your limits, tip-toeing at the edge.

LET ME BE MISERABLE - maybe my breaking point, giving in all the shitty things this life would offer. How long it would last, that I don't really know. I think it is unfair. They say after being way up high...you will eventually fall to the back down to remind you that life ain't fair and easy. Well, I didn't felt that I was up there living life to the fullest, but then I am being crashed face-first down to the very bottom. That maybe  I should succumb to life's harshness and everything tough it can offer. That maybe if I just let myself feel every pain and hardship in every inch of me, it will be over. Life maybe trying to teach me something..... and why not?unarguably experience is the best teacher out there. Ganon na lang ba ko kawalang alam at madaming dapat pang matutunan sa buhay? I maybe at that edge right now, only a hand away hanging from the bottom or maybe I did already let go. Ninanamnam lahat ng pait. This year have never been good to me. Complaining and whining could never be of any help. Might still have a reason or two to be thankful. Confidants undoubtedly never left me. Being alive is indeed something to appreciate.... but then, living like this, do you think you would be thankful? 

Put your game face no matter how broke you are, stay tough even when your all bruised up inside and still be ready to play on each and every day...... kahit hindi muna para magtagumpay, kundi para lang malagpasan na lang muna kung ano pang ibibigay sayo.


"IF LIFE IS FUCKING ME RIGHT NOW, CALL ME A BAD BITCH CAUSE I AM STILL UP FOR MORE DEEP AND HARD FUCKING IT WOULD GIVE"

2/6/13

For the Nth time, I am admitting that what I did was wrong and there's no way I can correct it nor justify it. I messed up pretty good and it’s been biting me up in the ass for the last three months I guess. But hell yes, I also know that three months of being fucked-up-mr.-bawi-guy is still nothing for what I did. For many times now I can’t seem to stop asking myself hanggang kelan?hanggan san?ano pa ba?  But it still goes back to that “who am I to complain?”

You just have this urge to complain or argue about something or just even ask so nicely why this and that…. Yet you won’t complain argue and ask nicely just because you know well that it will still be all your fault no matter how long the conversation and with all your rational reasons that maybe….just maybe there’s something wrong also with the other person or the reaction is just maybe taking a little long than how it should be leading her to do some stupid things too. DAMN!!

Just now, something just punch all the good mood in me. Its’ something like Pandora ’s Box or the forbidden fruit. Face it and you know you’ll face a shitty consequence. I know that I should not open or even take a look at it. Hindi nagkulang sa pagsabi sak akin…. ”wala ka ba tiwala? Eh di tignan mo, wala ka naman makikita jan….wag mo igaya yan katulad nung sayo”….. Oo nga naman, tama..so papalag pa ba ako?? Mali pala, wala na ako karapatan pumalag pag ganyan na yung sinabi. But stupid me, out of nowhere took a bite at it!...  Somehow I just felt my chair was going up and down but my eyes were still fuckin glued to the monitor, catching everything even though I’m scrolling pretty fast up and down cause I don’t know would I start….afraid at the same time that I might see something na pagsisihan kong nakita ko. I felt a little dizzy and a strong straight cheap shot right in the guts. May mali ba talaga? Ewan ko, that would be subjective, hindi ko din alam dahil hindi ko hinimay lahat sa takot ko. Praning lang ba ako?defensive? dahil pa din sa ginawa kong mali? Pwede….. hindi ko alam, Malabo talaga para saken, pwede ko palinawain pero natakot ako. Hindi pwede magtanong. Pero ang punto HINDI KO GUSTO ANG NAKITA KO.

May magagawa ba ako?........WALA! asa pa.

I fuckin hate it! Everything about it! But I can’t do a damn thing cause really, though I admit it…. I am sick and tired of blaming myself to it. …over and over and over! Ako pa din naman talaga may kasalan, hindi ako pwede dumaing magreklamo dahil lahat lang naman to nangyayari dahil sa ginawa ko. Wala na ako sa kahit anong lugar pa para magreklamo…bakit? Dahil ako naman may kasalanan, ako dahilan at higit sa lahat, ako lang naman ganon saten ako lang may kaya gumawa nun kaya huwag na huwag kita igagaya saken. Hindi Masaya.

update: this is irrelevant now

NAKAMA

“Arittake no yume wo kaki atsume…Sagashi-mono wo sagashi ni yuku no sa”

So now i am officially hooked to this anime, 1 piece....at hindi lang ako..madami pa adik dito ngayon.lolz. It is an anime about a kid who wants to be the pirate king by finding the treasure of the old pirate king, the 1 piece..and also about how he meet and make friends or part of his pirate crew, the straw-hat crew along the way....and i should stop telling how the story is. For me, what so good about it is how it differs from other anime. It’s different cause its nothing similar to reality, comes from just pure imagination that just tickles the kid in all of us. And i think it’s good cause unlike any other animes about a ninja or some super kid detective or a basketball team or any sport… All the characters, setting and everything in it is not even trying to relate to anything that happens in real world...just how I think anime should be! Other old anime have been like that before, it’s really not the first one like that. Dragon ball Z have a human cat for president...and do I have to mention Voltes V and other gigantic robots?... The thing for this kind of anime, you can’t even try to criticize it that "it’s so unreal"...cause it’s really not. Unlike from others, for example... From the moment Kogure releases the ball, it took two freakin episodes just to show how loooong he remembers everything about how he and Akagi entered Shohoku up to that very ball game in that very moment while he is airborne for that shot!! Tindi talaga nun...lol! 1 piece is nothing but pure wild fun imaginative fiction. I bet anyone's imagination has happen to any scene in 1 piece....and of course we enjoy it! Anyone can also relate to any main characters between the childish humour of Ussopp...the sweetness and gullible chopper...the seriousness and loyalty of Zoro... Sanji's passion... Robin's mysteriousness and knowledge...Nami's being so madiskarte and being charismatic...up to Luffy’s leadership and his dedication to make his dream come true.

But if it there is something about 1 piece that is same to other anime… It is for me, the moral lesson. And that lesson is about valuing friendship. That no matter where they came from, how different they are to one another in personalities, opinions and how shitty the situation might end up for one or all of them.. No one will be left be behind...No one will get hurt and that the Friendship will last through distance and time...and maybe that much cliché-ish can happen only just in their world...hahaha! So far it has ten plus movies, 500 plus episodes and still far from over. It also made me write another blog entry. J But I know many out there just like me will still enjoy every moment and be carried away to this whole adventure up until the glorious end of story of the straw-hat pirates.

“Gathering up all of our dreams… Going to search for our desires”

"VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR..."

"Save tonight..to fight the break of dawn..Come tomorrow..Tomorrow I'll be gone.."

Do you still remember watching MTV in Studio23?...yep, you heard it right!...before Myx, VJ Donita and VJ Mike(yung kasama nya kung di ako mali sa name,hindi Pinoy) hosted MTV Non-Stop Hits. Ya'll know I'm a big fan of music..even back in my younger years. I mean I'm not that old naman, but yeah, at a very young age I would be stuck in the TV watching music videos. My first ever favorite music video was "I believe I can fly" by R.Kelly.! Maybe because it was a soundtrack from my favorite movie "Space Jam"

"At night I think of you..I want to be your lady baby..If your game is on give me a call boo.."

I swear! If that video is playing I would stop whatever I'm doing just to watch, lalo yung part na may kasama na siya na choir!..ASTIG! In fact, my first ever owned album was the the soundtrack of that movie. It was original, no piracy baby!...kasi bigay ng pinsan ko from the states!...an original CD back then was so damn expensive at 350 a pop! Mahal na masyado yan nung time na yun and I was a kid. After a year I guess, I bought my two first ever casette tapes..hehe una pa ako nagkaron ng CD tas casette kasi nga mahal!..I bought "Chocolate Starfish and Hotdog Flavored Water" by Limp Bizkit and "Marshall Matthers LP" by Eminem, both originals at 150 each, medyo mas can afford at medyo palaos pa lang tapes nun so pwede pa. I used my early pamasko to have them. Second album of Eminem if im not mistaken...fan na ako. I also remember buying song hits just to memorize the lyrics cause there was no Myx yet so no subtitles... But those damn song hits minsan mali mali naman pala lyrics.

"You got me crazy..I just can't sleep...I'm so excited..I'm in too deep.."

I am big music fan but unfortunately can't play any musical instrument nor gifted with a voice for public amusement. Can i rap???..HELL YEAH! I do freestyles pa nga..but of course, I wouldnt do it in front of anyone!LOL!.. I was listening to Magic 89.9 this cold friday night cause our radio can't give me my usual dose of Wave 89.1 because of the rain. They are playing 90's music and nakakatuwa cause I know almost every song that they are playing. As I've said in my status..Tumatanda ka na pag alam mo na mga kanta na pineplay sa backtraxx ng Myx o kahit anong program about mga lumang kanta. In my case, siguro masyado lang ako naging fan ng music kahit bata pa ko talaga.

"Baby when were grinding...I got so excited...oohh how I like it..I try but I can't fight it!"

90's music for me was about UK bands like Oasis and Suede. Boy bands and Girl bands lead by Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls...Baby Spice was my crush back then. Metal bands i.e. Metallica and in Hiphop of course was Ice Cube,LL Cool J, Wu Tang Clan and even Will Smith(madame ko naiisip dito syempre so i would stop here na). I was not a big fan of OPM then, but thanks to my olders cousins for playing Eraserheads, Rivermaya (with Bamboo pa as their vocalists) Francis M. and Legit Misfitz kaya nakakakinig na din ako. I can drop hundreds maybe even thousand names of artist and bands from 90's, some can relate and some dont maybe but try to listen to some of it if di nyo inabot masyado. Cause for me there's something in 90's music that is different from today.

"Ooohh baby your so fine...I wanna make you mine..your lipstick taste so sweet.."

I mean Ne-yo, Katy Perry, the bands, OPM artists and everyone today is doing their thing, making dope music and all but its just not the same. For me, maybe its the "good vibes" that the 90's music brings. Lyrics back then - more often than not have that "feel good" effect. Its also maybe because back then the world is different. Life is more easy. No hassles as much as today that it reflects even to the songs. Or its just the cooler temperature.LOL!.. And like in fashion, even in music there's a cycle I guess. I mean like some artists try to do revival of some songs. Some work out and some don't. Others try to use an old song even from 80's and 70's and do remixes, tributes, collaborations and what not. Even the artist itself, some of them try to make a come back and others never went out of the scene but made some changes or reinventions in their genre. Again, some work out and some dont. But that just shows that even with some of the fresh and all these new stuff going on, you just can't leave it behind or you just cant leave it all. The spirit of 90's music or even other eras still ride along with the flow, keep up with the beat and follows the rhytm.

"One last call for alcohol so finish all your whisky or beer...You don't have to go home but you cant stay here.... I know who I want to take me home...take me home..."

Now I can better understand the lyrics and appreciate it more at the same time. I think I can imagine myself listening to some of it even after 20 or 30 more years if possible. I know it is with the help of youtube and the whole world wide web. Whatever it is in 90's music, its more than enough for me to go back listening to those music once in a while and it would surely not fail to give me some good relaxing easy ride down memory lane.

"Let's give thanks and praise to the Lord...and everything will be alright...."

MAJOR NOTE TO SELF

I'm living a not very well pleasured life. Almost everyday experiencing bitin in almost everything. Love, happines and of course datung. So yeah, well I'm trying to make some changes in this life. I may find it not that easy to turm things completely around or simply just in the way I want it, but I aint backing down.

The last few months after that day I thought my life would change in an instant, actually it has been very hard for me. For a moment I felt I have no reason and direction. "Yeah, so what now?". I asked myself this and got no answer for days maybe even weeks. Then I turned my attention to seek to what's next idealy at this point of my life. Trying to catch to what I still havent caught until now (But i prayed that this will be found in the very near future). The last few months have been very hard for me, I let my PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE really gets the best out of me. My family being the direct casualty most of the time of biglaang pagsusungit. I tried to deal with all of it at the same time leading me to nowhere. I thought of trying things in different directions to escape from it, but this cowardly approach obviously never really worked out for me.

Last night a part of me came back. That part that makes me think thoroughly enough how to face it rationally, a part of me I never noticed missing just until it came back. I don't know how. Since Wednesday(8.11.11) I started to feel something positive. And yeah, for the Nth time, I have another shot of finding resource. Last night I end up having a plan how to control and maybe even defeat the monster that I made that beats the hell out of me almost everyday since it slipped out of his mouth. I don't know where will I end up with plan or even how to execute it but I know its still possible. And maybe after this, hopefully I can try to be GENUINELY and GENERALLY happy. For the record, even my "someone" doesnt know where I'm coming from. Same time last night I just thought of letting this out in an open note but still not letting anyone to clearly understand me.